WERE-TOBER EPIC 3-PART HALLOWEEN EXPARIMENT!!! expariment 8, part two: cheeky tees

have you ever gone through your favorite store, come accross a caption tee shirt and thought, dude! i've been saying that for years! why didn't i make a shirt?? or maybe you thought, wow, that is such a good idea, but no way am i gonna pay that much for a friggin' tee shirt, man! or perhapse it just struck you one day, you know, i really wanna walk around with someone else's face on my chest!

well, are you in luck! i have the solution to all your tee shirt problems right here! all you need is a fairly cheep, plain tee shirt in your size (don't go overboard for something you're just gonna alter, anyway -- or ever, really... it's a friggin' tee shirt), a hand-opperated clothing iron, an ink-jet printer, and craft store cloth decals. find all these, and you're ready to go! it's easy as one, two, three!

ONE! create your image or caption, whether on the computer or by hand, and transfer decals via ink jet printer. there are two major decal kits in circulation now: those for colored cloth, and those for non-colored cloth. (note: images for non-color decals will need to be flipped backwards)

TWO! place your decal image where you want it on your tee shirt (colored decals face up, non-colored face down -- non-color decals can be used on color shirts, but every color will be changed when against the new color, and what was white will become the actual color of the shirt) with the included parchment paper over top. press and hold hot iron to the middle of the decal for a couple seconds, then continue to the rest through feathering strokes, center to edge, for about thirty seconds.

THREE! remove parchment paper and protective contact layer. for a glossy finish, remove contact immediately (though, from personal experience, i do not suggest this to novices -- not until you've had a lot of practice), otherwise, wait until they cool to remove for satiny finish.

there you have it, a chance to declare your philosophies, rip off ideas, and cry out ot the world through disgusting displays that you are, indeed, dating this person that you are really not dating and only think you are because you are a crazy psycho. i really don't care what you do with this information, just use it!

for i am we and we are labrats and LABRATZ-R-WE!!

WERE-TOBER EPIC 3-PART HALLOWEEN EXPARIMENT!!! expariment 8, part one: mixed music

yes, you heard me! three-parter! this was my to be my last post, i had to make it last, somehow. you didn't think you'd get rid of me that easily, did ya?! anyway, expariment. today, throughout all three expariments, i will do something yet unheard of on LABRATZ-R-WE! i will provide the instructional bits myself! ta-da! now, onto mixed music!

many a cheesey film from the eighties and nineties has the little plot string of one teeenaged love interest giving another a mix tape, which proves that he/she really does love her/him. why does this tape scream "desperate for you"? because it's such a painstaking process to make a mix tape, and if you're that devoted to making this for me, how deep does your devotion run? nowadays, however, people give mix cd's, which mean slightly less than love to both giver and reciever, for the simple reason that they're so easy to make -- literally point and click!

today, i'm going to teach you how to make both a mix cd and mix tape.

starting with the cd, as it's a more "popular" medium, you will need: a blank cd, a computer with a rip/burn drive, existing cd's with songs to use, and/or an internet song download source.

step one: procure your music. you may use your computer's rip drive to take songs from existing cd's, or download them from the internet. every computer is different with its ripping procedures, and i'm still to much of a novice at downloading music to be giving advice on it.

moving on, step two: open your burn drive and apply the music you wish to have, in the order you wish to have it in. this may be done via drag and drop, or by list searches.

step three: insert your blank cd, click the icon that commences burning, and wait until the computer tells you it is finished before removing your mix cd.

it's always a good idea to immediately pop the disc into a boom box or dvd player to be sure the burn took -- not always are discs and computers compatible.

optional step of final awesomeness: cover art. some computers have cd cover art hardware that applies it directly in the tray. sometimes you can find on multifaceted scanner/printer programs a "cd" setting in the list with business cards and letterheads. you could go old school and bust out the Sharpies, careful not to let the ink interfere with the digital information on the other side. and, occasionally in craft stores, you can find print-n-peel decals that basically go on your cd like a sticker.

now, easy as the mix cd is, i still vastly prefer mix tape. it's not really as easy as step one, two, three, and could take an unlimited ammount of time to finish, depending.

if you are working with mainly music you already own, either on cd or cassette, it may not be as hard as all that. you will require a cd player with a tape deck, or a cassette player with two tape decks, or a cd/tape player with radio, or all of the above.

for an existing music source: insert blank tape to the recording deck. before you even start any music, go ahead and press record, and immediately pause it. while it is paused, insert your cd/cassette of choice, find the song you wish to record, then pause the song source there. un-pause the mix tape, then un-pause the music. stand by for the song to end, then pause your mix tape again. leave it paused as you switch out music to your next source. continue the chain, pausing between songs (not stopping, as it will create an ear-shattering popping noise on the tape that really sucks with a walkman.).

outside music source: the radio is the best place to get outside source music. always keep your mix tape inside your radio/cassette player, listen to it often, and be ready to pounce on the record button when the right song comes on. this makes the pop! between songs inevitable, but it's worth it to jump just in time to get the covetted hit. music can also be taken from television, movies, other devices, and live performances via the use of a plug-in microphone (things tend to come out garbled if this is what you end up doing it; a definate last resort).

optional awesomeness: the same microphone can be used in both instances to give an introduction to the recipient/sweetheart, or explain after a song why the song is even there. it makes it more personable, but after a few hearings, can make the listener impatient to just get to the music, already! if the tape comes with a case, one can also do a cover design, just on a piece of paper cut and folded to fit.

believe me, no matter how much easier the cd is, the effort put into a mix tape means more to the recipient, and to yourself.

for i am we and we are labrats and LABRATZ-R-WE!!!

expariment #7: how to dance

ever see the movie "dirty dancing"? well, this is "deadly dancing". i have never been a strong dancer. well, i've been strong while dancing, but not for dancing, specifically. i'm a bit of a clumsey oaf, as anyone who properly knows me should, well, know. we found this out when i was just a teeny tiny mini-me, in children's jazz ballet, where, during a spin, i bloodied three mini-dancer noses simultaneously, a fact i'm still kida proud of (i mean, three at once! one single movement! it's a move any non-powerful superhero would kill to have!) in the end, i didn't even learn the dance correctly, and went off doing my own thing in the show. made me look cute, then. when i got older, it just got me kicked out of every musical number in high school plays.

anyway, today's deal is "how to dance" from wikiHow. we will put to test the web site's claim that it can teach me to dance in eight easy steps. i'll practice at home, then put it to use in a public situation.

step 1: listen to the rhythm. no problem. too easy. i'm a writer, i got a music scholarship in college. i can do rhythm.
in private: small potatoes.
in public: ditto.

step 2: bob your head to the rhythm. yup. felt like a parrot. a dorky, white parrot.
in private: felt a bit silly, especially staring back at myself in the mirror.
in public: felt silly, because all the movies say the one bobbing their head while everyone else dances is the one with the least talent.

step 3: shift your weight between your feet.
at home: felt like a penguin.
in public: felt like a fat penguin.

step 4: move your feet.
in private: took a while to figure out that a couple inches' movement was, indeed, enough
in public: really had to look out for other people's feet.

step 5: move your hips. you know when a girl has shapeley hips, the saying "nice back porch" comes up? well mine's not so much a back porch as a mad wrecking ball with a vendetta against all humanity, just released from years of imprisonment, out for blood, silencing all who would oppose it.
in private: things were broken. practice needed to keep my surroundings intact. actually got to the point where i felt sexy and had fun with it.
in public: people were broken. practice was needed to keep my surroundings intact. actually got to the point where i almost had fun with it, and could even ignore the comments of the jerk wads behind me before i finally flipped them off and found another place to start the process over.

step 6: throw your hands in the air. ... danger! danger, will robinson!
at home: whatever was too high up to have been broken my my swaying hips was taken out by my arms and hands. ever see the children's movie "igor"? youtube that and the words "audition practice" and check out eva's grand fanale. that was me! really felt silly doing all that by myself.
in public: whoever was too high up to have been broken by my swaying hips were taken out by my arms and hands. again, check out that audition practice scene from "igor", and watch eva's grand fanale. that was me, again! really felt silly doing this around other people.

step 7: lose yourself in the music. wait, lose myself? that's what got me into this whole mess; i spent more consentration on the music and how it made me feel than the proper way to dance so that i can avoid becoming a charming murderess (naturally, darling, i'd be charming whatever i am). but i tried this step, anyway, for the sake of the labratz name.
at home: started to break things again, but with a vengance. the uprising of the mole people was called off after assuming i was the topsiders' secret weapon.
in public: violence, carnage, lawsuits were filed, and wills were penned. people were shouting their last words into the night just before i destroyed them. cyborg aliens invaded, then turned around and headed for alpha centuri after seing my deadly display.

step 8: practice dancing whenever you have the chance. .... really? .... really? ... i wouldn't subject the general public to that again for all the magical saurkraut in the land of angry lederjosen. i can do it alone, but when would i want to? and it's not like i actually plan on dancing in public again. not at weddings. not in a club. severely doubt the possibility of a house party. maybe if the cyborg aliens came back, but i really wouldn't mind a new regime of mole people... finally, people with my complexion!

final verdict: disproved wikiHow's claim of teaching someone to dance. in public. alone, okay, whatever. but to take this site's advice and use it in a social situation, i say to them, "no friggin' way, man!"

for i am we and we are labrats, and LABRATZ-R-WE!!!

expariment #6: THE CONTINUATION OF: cheep, simple how-to's of stuff I already know how to do... FINISHED PRODUCT

part three:

how to procrastinate. 1)




final verdict: BEST RESULT EVER!! took me 25 days to get it right. alway put of to tomorrow what you think you should be doing right now. right on.

for i am we and we are labrats and LABRATZ-R-WE!

NOT FINISHED!!! DO NOT READ!!!!! EXPARIMENT #6: cheep, simple how-to's of stuff I already know how to do...

deciding to do something a bit different this week. instead of following someone's directions, and learning how to do something, i looked up a bunch of things i already knew how to do, then commenced doing it their way, then my way, to see how the processes compare. now, i'm not just fighting to get it done, but to keep the security that i actually do know how to do it!

part one: simplifying fractions

i've known how to do this since at least the sixth grade (but i can't be sure for exactly how long; anything before high school just bleeds together...), and was confident in my abilities. we'll see...

my process: can one number go into the other? if not, do they have a number in common? work from there, keep going until the answer to both questions is "no!"

their process: 1) make sure it is actually a fraction. [really? that's a step? i'd think i know what a fraction looks like...] 2) find a number that will divide into both ends of the fraction, and write down the simplified fraction. [okay, with ya so far...] 3) if this feels like too much work, just divide each by 2 or 3, and repeat and repeat and repeat until you can't, anymore [first of all, you say you condone laziness, then offer another way, that's actually more work than the origional idea? and, second of all, what if those nubers arent' divisible by either 2 or 3? what if it's a factor of 7 or 5 or 11 or 13 or any of the other prime numbers? didja ever think of that?! huh?! yeah, i didn't think so...]

final verdict: I WIN!!! SUCK ON THAT, eHOW!

part two: applying for a job.

it is my personal pain that i've been so experienced in this. damn economy. anyway, my process is, go into the establishment

EXPARIMENT #5: DATED DIY BOOKS
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i know i'm straying somewhat from the original idea set forth on the expariments week to week. but, i'm afraid, there was just nothing helpful online this week. so i hit the family bookshelf. mostly what was there were my dad's antique cookbooks, but i already did a segment on cooking. then there were craft books that held projects that just would've made a little old bitty swoon with delight, i'm sure, but just don't tickle my fancy. then there's the vastly outdated DIY books. sure, why not see how these ideas and helpful hints withstand the test of time?
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by the way, as i am sure you know, DIY is an acronym of "Do It Yourself," which, i always thought, was a tad rude phrasing, but, i digress.
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flipping through various glossaries and referance tables in the fronts and backs of books, i picked out two expariments. one is for maitenance of 10-speed bikes, and mine is totally shot. the other is a complete makeup guide from my mama's old cosmotology textbook, which i took as a chalange.
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first, the bike challange:
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i wasn't really wasn't crazy about the whole "outside" thing when i was a kid. too bookish, i guess. but i missed out on all the stuff that preteens of the american midwest should've done. like taking apart my bike, putting it back together, possibly wrong, and then hangin' out with my dad as we fixed it right this time. never too late to start, though, i guess.
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so, the book i used was the Do It Yourself Encyclopedia book 2 (copyright 1976) to be my guide to my bike. my poor delilah (i name absolutely everything) was desperately neglected, rusty in all her tight crevases, and groaned with every movement. but i just knew if i could somehow get all those cogs and chains off, gave them a thorough scouring and a nice long soak in WD30, once i'd put her all back together, she'd be right as rain! (wait, actually, no. rain is what got her into this mess... and oxygen...)
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anyway, even though i was pretty sure what was wrong with delilah, i went through the whole checkup bit first:
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make sure the speed knobs turned without problem, and that there was a reaction amongst the chain and sprockets. turns out, there was more wrong with delilah than i thought -- there was absolutely no response as i turned the speed dials. after a moment of panic, i decided that this was okay, as i never really use all those different speeds -- just 5, an average speed. that was the one it was stuck on. so no worries there.
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check that the brake cables worked and were not stretched or freyed. well, that's one part that has not withstood the test of time: instead of the poly-cotton brake cables of yore, mine were made of twisted titanium (i assumed, since that's what the lable said the rest of the bike was made of) wires with accordion latex squeeze fixtures. but i tested the brakes on the handlebars. the one on the right worked, squeezed the buffers against the tire at my command. the left one, upon inspection, i realized had been completely disconnected. i hoped that this would not weaken the stopping power of the bike by half...
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and a number of other things, mostly obvious, like make sure when you turn the handlebars, the front tire turns with them, and that the seat should be no higher than your pelvis, etc.
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then it got on to how to take it the gears and chain off, and how to put them back on. artistically-minded, i have always worked well with diagrams, even if the brown-and-gold illustrations did annoy me a bit. but i was able to take them all off, except for the biggest gear, which seemed to be rusted permenantly in place -- maybe a contributer to the lack of speed-switching? -- and gave them all an alcahol rinse (from my bathroom; not the top shelf of the pantary), proceeded to scrub the worst of the rust off with a now-destroyed scratch pad attatched to the back of a sponge, then soak them all in WD40, the wonder-elixer to metal appliances. after a nice thorough drying, i reattatched the pieces in the proper order, replacing the chain to gear number 5 (or maybe 6, depending on which way i was suppost to be counting.... but, whatever, not a big change if it was wrong).
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after fixing her up, making her shine in her non-rusty bits, and a few quick pumps into her empty tires, i took her for a test ride. and you know that saying, "it's like riding a bike: ya never forget!"? well, that's crap. i mounted that poor bike, and froze for, like, ten minutes, because i wasn't sure how i was supposed to get started. it took years to learn, and i was afraid it would also take a long time to re-learn. but, i gave it my best shot -- and shoot i did! all the way down my street, around the bend, i clipped a mailbox, and crashed headfirst into a neighbor's "bungalow".
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my brakes were destroyed. i don't know how much bike brakes cost, but i know they're one of many things we can't find at our crap-excuse for a local wal-mart. you'd be lucky if you could find a stinkin' helmet in the bike section -- which, the bruise on my scalp reminds me, i should get a new one, since my old one is the size of an eight-year-old's cranium.
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anyway, delilah runs better now than she did. i wouldn't say she ran like NEW, but she does run (which, really, is more than i could say about her last week).
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second, the make-up chalange:
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it was the most complete makeup guide i think is in existance. no fooling, it actually had more steps than bike maitenance! turns out it IS an exact science. i used the Standard Textbook of Cosmotology (copyright 1981) to map out my face. and i tell ya, if i never see another compact of blending powder, it would be way too soon...
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it started rather generic -- what is the shape of your face? according to the illustrations, i was a heart-shaped face, made to look even moreso by the family widow's peak. but, upon reading, i found this book to be quite cynnical and biased. all the tips put together to create the illusion of the "right" face: an oval face with average features, and because i had a heart-shaped face with freckles and uneven lips, and a short neck, i had the wrong face, and should use make up to contort it to look like the right face! it used words like, "too close together," "too far apart," and "the wrong size." i wanted to find the collaborated authors and smack them all at once, screaming, "fool! my face is not "too much" or the "wrong" anything! it's what i was born with, and that makes it all the right length, and they're all in the right places, because that's obviously what God wanted my face to have! not even Quasimodo had features in the "wrong" places!" but, again, i digress...
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so, i went with the general darkening bits as indicated by the dotted line, which, really i could've used any of my mama's make up. see, i naturally have a ghoulish complexion, which means, when i DO wear make up, i have to find one labled "ivory" or "alabaster," since everything else would be too dark.
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then on to the "corrective make up" section:
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i didn't have to worry about age lines (or really any lines at all -- dude, i'm nineteen) so i skipped that part.
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i didn't have a low forehead (on the contrary, i inherrited the family forehead, along with the family widow's peak, which means that expanse of skin is, well, expanse...), but neither was it bulging, which is a miracal, considering how many in my family DO have bulging heads, so i skipped that part, too.
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i did not have a large, portruding nose (i sometimes wonder if it's TOO small), but neither is it flat, or broad, or receding (how does THAT work?!). it's sorta buttoney, i guess. i guess, if this biased book can't improve upon my nose, then maybe i have nothing to worry about here.
i don't really have a small chin, or a double chin. it's kinda turnip-shaped, but they don't address that here. skipped.
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i do have somewhat broad jaws, so i followed its advice and darkened along the jawline, starting at the temples. not a bad effect, really. really could've used that little nugget of knowledge when i was in plays in high school...
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and i did have a somewhat short neck that keeps me from wearing conventional tee-shirts and most sweaters. so i darkened that, as per directed.
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none of the improvable eye illustrations, or eyebrow illustrations fit me, so apparantly, i was doing something right, or they just had never met with eyes like mine before (now, whether that's a good thing or not...). but i looked weird wiht nothing on them, so i dug around on the bookshelf until i found one of the magazines mama got from work, and found a good eye shadow ad, and followed it's instructions one, two, three, four. since i only had two eye shadows, one in various flavors of black and blue, and the other a single block of poison fairy green, i took the black and blue one, since it had the 4 pannels that matched the magazine ad. mixed with my color, i did, indeed, look ghoulish, which made me giggle.
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uneven lips -- my bottom is larger than my top. but, when i extended the edges of the top lim to match the bottom, like the book suggested, i looked like those old women whose facial features have shrunken over time, and now only wear lipstick AROUND thier lips. so i whiped it off and did it my way. mind you, i only really know how to do the over-the-top makeup of the stage, or the over-the-top makeup of the gothic realm. so, when it came time to do lipstick, the only preparations i had were black lipstick, gooing up already from last halloween (which made me sad to see), and this crazy bright-friggin' fire-engine maralyn monroe red made at least a decade ago, and shows no signs of ever expiring. so i used the second one.
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and what have i learned from this process? that i apparantly have an o.k. face -- one that, at least, can hardly be improved upon according to a book from 1981. i have also learned that i don't have a face that belongs in that year, nor does it really belong in this one. which is good, really -- some people just look hopelessly contemporary. at any rate, in this makeup, i look like i should be singin' and swingin' with some soldiers after a long year of killin' nazis. which is cool!
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FINAL VERDICT: the DIY Encyclopedia stood up to the test of time, except for the brake line, which was the only thing keeping the whole oredal from being a success. i learned that, if i had the time, patience, desire, and lack of allergy to most oil-based makeups, i could walk right in to a black tie event without an invite, and the only people that would notice would be the ones oggelling me. however, i also found that, while i may look good, i don't feel like me. there's a reason i go by a man's name (frank, and variations thereof). i rarely feel womanly enough to relate to them. one day, though, i may yet feel the desire to become drop-dead gorgeous, and ride through town on a 10-speed bike showing off this fact. and i know, now, that i could.

for i am we, and we are labrats, and LABRATZ-R-WE!

ANNOUNCEMENT (not an EXPARIMENT)

sorry kids. this weeks post will have to be postponed. i'm on vacation. i thoroughly apologize to my dwindelling fan base. i do hope you will bear with me, and await next week's expariment.

my appologies, once more. thank you for your patience.

franki k